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Revised Second Edition
By Samuel M. Smith
© 1989 Up Way
P. O. Box 1015
Kailua, HI 96734 U. S.
retrieval by any means without the express permission of Samuel M.
or Up Way Publications is expressly forbidden, excepting for brief
in critical reviews. This internet version is as exact replication of
original as is possible in internet format.
REVISED SECOND EDITION
First Edition . .
. . Copyright
Second Printing . .
. . 1981
. . . Copyright © 1989
reserved. No part
of this book may be reproduced by any means without approval of the
Up Way Publications, excepting for brief quotations giving full credit
and Copyright © notice.
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P.O. Box 1015
FINDING THAT RIGHT MATE!
IT IS often said that opposites attract, and that is true. But
what lasts and lasts with magnets all too often becomes a point of
friction in a marriage relationship. Rarely will a person with a
lifestyle be happy for long while married to someone with a more
and slow lifestyle. Please don't misunderstand this. It is great to
home from a hectic day at the office and find home to be a place of
quiet and tranquility, but if he always wants to go to the football
and she always wants to go to the opera, they have problems right off
bat! When he wants to go racing his hotrod or flying in his airplane or
waterskiing or anything else that she either cannot or wills not to
him in the enjoyment of, they are already starting to go their separate
ways, no matter how they like each other's smile or how close the
harmony. Rarely do a racehorse and a mule or ox make a good team for
long haul. It may be neat to date the High School football star while
are a bookworm or a homebody, but I could fill a library with the
I personally know of in which such a pairing of opposites who have
resulted in real marital disaster in a very short time.
There are a great many things to consider when choosing the
person you will vow before God to spend the rest of your entire life
What is the health of your
prospective mate? What hereditary
traits toward anemia, cancer, diabetes, heart disease, sickle
anemia and the like are to be found in your prospective mate's
history ? Are you willing to subject your future children and
to the probability that they may inherit genes that could cause them to
have such a health problem? Are you willing to care for this person you
now plan to marry if he or she should contract alzheimers or go blind
complications of diabetes? How about if that gorgeous bathing beauty
a 400 pound behemoth due to an inherited thyroid problem despite all
to stay slim and trim?
Are his or her parents obnoxious loudmouths? Always drunk
or engaged in a lifestyle of which you strongly disapprove? While your
prospective mate may be completely opposite and may dislike their
lifestyle as much as you do, how strong are the family ties? The old
“Blood runs thicker than water,” may find your in-laws destitute and
into your home “until
MARRIAGE: Delight or Disaster
|we can get on
our feet,” which may turn out to be for several years,
or until you and your spouse have a bitter fight and then throw the
out. And what about the influence they may have on your children and
way you are trying to raise them? Many are the horror tales of incest
sodomy rape by aunts, uncles and cousins or their live-in lovers. And
are the fights between husbands and wives and even between parents and
children still living at home over the need to evict unruly relatives
to turn those involved in actual criminal behavior over to the police.
What about children? Does he want a half-dozen
while she only
wants one or at most two, or vice versa? What method of birth control
each believe in? How upset will the mate be if an unplanned pregnancy
Will either mate consider ending the life of the unborn baby before
if the pregnancy is un-planned, the doctor predicts a serious birth
the family cannot afford another child, at least “not right now.” That
can be a very emotional and heated issue, with one insisting that, “You
are not going to murder my baby!” While the other insists that it
is alright or “the only thing we can do right now.”
Don’t try to pretend. Be what you really are.
me when I say that you are courting marital DISASTER when you deceive
prospective mate about the real YOU! If you are really conceited,
and selfish, don’t try to fool that person you now think you want to
the rest of your life with. You may play the modest, generous and
lover now, but when the real you shows up a few days, weeks or months
the wedding vows are taken, the shock to your new spouse may well mark
the end of trust and your marriage will be on the rocks before it has
a chance to ever get anchored.
Why do so many people court and then marry someone they
has habits or a lifestyle they despise and think they can reform them?
I have seen so many cases in which the one spouse has been raised in
School and church, has always been shielded from the drug and drinking
scene and ends up marrying a drug addict or a drunkard.
Watch your attitudes. Your attitudes may seem hidden and secret
to you but often your children and spouse will sense your real inner
See discussion of abortion in Dating and Premarital Petting Chapter
on pages 24-25.
|Finding That Right
Things you should take into consideration before entering into
a serious courtship are:
• Get to know the character of this dream boy or girl, the likes and
dislikes, the living habit patterns, food preferences and strong
religious and moral standing, health, racial and ethnic background, and
anything else that may apply to what you are expecting or hoping for in
the person you may spend a lifetime with.
• If you discover anything you dislike about this
person, be open and
truthful and discuss the matter. Please believe me when I say it is
to lose someone you have dated a few times than someone by whom you
had children and jointly owned homes and cars and spent years of your
It matters not if it is something tiny and unavoidable such as a
toe that “bugs” you every time you see it, or a big scar on the face,
it bothers you a little bit now, there is a strong chance it may bother
you much more in the future and may be the beginning of “straying eyes”
that eventually lead to straying morals. If you discuss it and it
you less, maybe it will not ever become a negative factor in your
together, but if the other person shows a bad attitude about it, it may
be a warning of trouble. If you visit the home of the person you are
and find that while you are neat as a pin, he or she throws dirty
in the corner or if you are the sloppy one and you find the other
neatness and insistence on everything being “just so” makes you
or has other living habits you strongly dislike, it is a warning flag.
Either resolve it at the point you discover it or at least begin
on the problem. If you don’t, it WILL be back to haunt you.
“Beauty is only skin deep,” and
“pretty is as pretty
does,” are really true statements in many ways, but ten years from now,
will the fine character of your spouse be sufficient to offset that
that only a mother could love” seated across from you at the breakfast
table? Based on what you have seen of your future spouse’s relatives,
it seem likely that you may be ashamed to admit to others that that
or fat or ugly or mean-natured person is your husband or wife ten or
years down the road? An honest evaluation of these factors may prevent
you from the immediate pleasure of a honeymoon with the one you now
but it may also prevent the heartbreak of seeing your children crying
spending sleepless nights because their beloved mommy and daddy no
live together and fight and argue and call each other ugly names
they meet or talk on the
MARRIAGE: Delight or Disaster
say nothing of the bitter court battles over custody,
child support, alimony, who gets the house and car and, if one does
love the other, the pain of the still-loving one having to face the
of the other, seeing him or her on the arm of another lover or even
being lovingly caressed by the new love!
Take the time to write a list of the qualities
you want your
future spouse to possess. Include health, appearance, character,
and any other item that you feel is important. After all, you can make
the list in a few minutes or a few days at most, but the person you
will cause you a lifetime of delight or deep grief and disaster. The
you spend analyzing your choice will be well spent. I realize that all
too often, “love is blind,” but I also realize that “blind love” is
based on nothing more than a sparkle in an eye, a dimple on a cheek a
voice, a quick quip at a party or a “sexy” body!
Now analyze each characteristic on your list and evaluate it.
Is it realistic? If my future mate qualified in all other ways, would
be important enough to cause a problem? Or would I overlook this flaw
an otherwise perfect prospective mate? If I overlook it now, may I be
to change my mind and be sorry later?
Learn to communicate! Talk things over
together. When you
have said your vows it will neither mean that you each can read the
mind nor that the other loses the right to participate in the decision
making process in matters affecting the family unit. Furthermore,
to tell each other your inner feelings is both cheating yourself and
spouse of a caring response and an enlarged viewpoint. How can you
your heartaches and your goals if you don’t talk about it? How can they
know if something they are doing irritates you? You may become one
but you will still have separate minds which can only come into
if you talk to each other. No matter how strong the feeling of love, it
must be nurtured by verbal expressions of love, each telling the other
how much you love and care for the other.
Interracial marriages fall into the same area of consideration
as the matter of health, family and the future children's well-being.
children pay when their parents make mistakes. Please consider them.
of your own feelings about mistakes your parents made and for
you paid a price, whether in health, environmental disadvantage, or
slurs thrown your way.
Balance -- opposites together works when
overall goals and
|Finding That Right
|purposes are one. If one
spouse is feisty and the other is mild-mannered,
the mild-mannered one may serve as a balance to the quick temper, the
demand for ideological rights of the feisty one, as long as they both
at keeping the points of contention focused outside of the marriage. If
each always defends the other.
Loving someone means caring not only about that person, but
also caring about what that person cares about. If your loved one loves
baseball and you hate it, you are going to have to learn to love
If your loved one loves the opera and you go “ugh” at it, you must
to love opera. Both sides, of course must be considerate of each other.
Don’t say, “I love you,” unless you really care
more for the
one to whom you say it than you care about yourself! Frankly, you
are a liar if you say, “I love you,” but don’t fully mean it.
Be realistic. It is fine to say that a person
seeking a mate
should concentrate on character, habits, personality, spirituality and
other such admirable and fine qualities and to glibly say that
is unimportant and “beauty is only skin deep.” Please don’t
or to read something into what I am about to say that is not said. But
reality faces the fact that some people of either gender are turned off
cold by certain things and if you find something about your new spouse
repulsive, your marriage is already off to a rocky start! By all
means look for the desired qualities of character first, but before you
say the “I do’s,” especially if either or both of you have been married
before, you really should at least consider whether something about
new spouse could prove to be repulsive to you. I know far too many
in which fine moral posturing prevented a couple from discovering that
one or the other or both still carried memories of a previoius spouse
the new spouse was unable to overcome and they sooner or later had a
with infidelity on one or the other or both sides. By all means, try to
communicate and make sure a ghost of the past isn’t there to haunt
But always remember that, “it is never right to
do wrong even
to have the opportunity to do something right,” and “there is an all
eye watching you!” P.S. He knows the real reason why you are doing or
whatever and no matter how you rationalize, if your motives are
expect your sin to find you out!
Page 22 is a blank page.
© 1989 Up Way Publications
P. O. Box 1015
Kailua, HI 96734 U. S. A.
Copying, storage or retrieval by any means without the
of Samuel M. Smith or Up Way Publications is expressly forbidden,
for brief quotations in critical reviews.
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