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The Bible Apostolic Logo features the golden sun rising from a deep blue morning sky. The Bible as  the one foundation upon which we build and are establishes is marked open by the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Great Creator who so loved us  that He became flesh and dwelt among us, then bled and died to pay the debt for our sins. The golden sun arc doubles to represent the open tomb from  which He arose triumphant. The descending dove represents the coming of the Holy Spirit to us and the flame represents the fire and power of the Holy Spirit in the life of every true believer. When asked if we are Fundamentalist, we are more Fundamental than they. Are we Evangelistic? Very! Are we Baptist? We place a higher value on Biblical water baptism than the Baptists. Are we Pentecostal? We definitely believe in the entire of the Acts 2 experience including that the promise of 2:38 and 39 is to all that the Lord our God shall call. Are we Apostolic? Our desire and goal is to preach, teach and practice that exact same Gospel that Jesus Christ and His Original Apostles taught and would still be teaching if here in person, as we prayerfully try to be their faithful representatives. — Samuel M. Smith, Editor, Presiding Elder
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Completely Revised Second Edition
MARRIAGE: Delight or Disaster

Chapter 4

By Samuel M. Smith

Marriage: Delight or Disaster

© 1989 Up Way Publications
P. O. Box 1015
Kailua, HI 96734 U. S. A.

Copying, storage or retrieval by any means without the express permission of Samuel M. Smith or Up Way Publications is expressly forbidden, excepting for brief quotations in critical reviews. This internet version is as exact replication of the original as is possible in internet format.

  For an offset printable PDF master of this chapter, click here.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

MARRIAGE: Delight or Disaster

COMPLETELY REVISED SECOND EDITION
 

By  Samuel M. Smith
 
 

First Edition . . . . Copyright © 1969
Second Printing . . . . 1981
Completely Revised Second Edition . . . Copyright © 1989

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means without approval of the publisher, Up Way Publications, excepting for brief quotations giving full credit and Copyright © notice.
 

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 89-51186
 

UP WAY PUBLICATIONS
P.O. Box 1015
Kailua,  HI  96734

23
CHAPTER FOUR

DATING AND PREMARITAL PETTING

  ROMANCE usually starts when a young man or woman sees and admires someone of the opposite sex and asks that person out for a date. If things go well, the two begin seeing each other more and more often until they decide to make the lifetime commitment we call marriage. But along the way, there are many pitfalls which can cause deep heartache, severe grief and possibly catastrophe. It is to help you to avoid these pitfalls that this chapter is included. 
  One of the most dangerous pitfalls is generally referred to as “petting”. It starts off with the hand that was holding the other hand moving up the arm to a sexually stimulating area, or a hand innocently on a knee moving upward, or a kiss on the cheek moving to a stimulating spot on the neck or ear or becoming a “French” kiss. Most often, the person who makes the moves is experienced and following a plan of conquest while the other is inexperienced, although the same thing can easily and innocently happen when neither one knows what is happening. But when premarital petting becomes premarital sex, there are several very dangerous things that can happen to the relationship.
  First, a time of getting to know the character, the likes and dislikes, the living habit patterns, food preferences and strong dislikes, religious and moral standing, racial and ethnic background, health and other important considerations you should think about before entering into a serious courtship gets sidetracked as the dates are spent in sexual activity instead. Sex should never be mistaken for love, because sex is not love but the ultimate and highest expression of love, and can be the finest pleasure any couple can enjoy. But it can also be a mere physical pleasure and an act of conquest and become cheap and dirty thereby. Any male and female can have sex without caring in the least for each other. If you are a Christian but have somehow gotten into premarital sex and you would really like to find out whether the other partner really loves you or just wants your body, try explaining that you realize what your are doing is sin and you want to stop until you have the legal and moral right and you will quickly see that either the other one will agree and your caring concern each for the other will grow, or the creep will drop you like the proverbial hot potato!
  Second, beginning with guilt feelings, the relationship may

24                                         MARRIAGE: Delight or Disaster
degenerate into arguments over the frequency of sexual activity, and eventually over whether to live together without or before marriage.
  Third, is the danger of unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease which will nearly always end in at least heartbreak if not real disaster and tragedy.
  Television programs and movies depict the young (and sometimes not-so-young) couple meeting, being attracted to each other, going for lunch or dinner or to some place or event together and before they part for the night, they have somehow ended up together between sheets (or in the back seat of a car or other equally inappropriate spot). Automobiles, toothpaste and even bread and milk are sold in the media by how they can affect or effect your sex appeal. With this barrage of sex-oriented visual stimuli, it is difficult for couples of any age to see the dangers and heartaches that often accompany such un-wedded liasons.
  Within the bounds of marital devotion and love, the act of sex is the most beautiful and personal of many relationships that occur and interact between the two marriage partners. It signifies trust, a giving of one’s own body for the enjoyment of the loved one and a receiving of that same loving enjoyment from that loved one.  Within the monogamous marriage, the risk of venereal diseases like gonorrhea, syphilis, genital herpes and the now nearly epidemic AIDS  (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) is almost non-existent. 
  Bill met Ann in a “country and western” type bar and each found the other attractive. Like so many couples in the present generation, they left the bar together and went to a scenic but secluded spot where they began holding each other's hands, followed by kissing, first on the forehead, then the cheek, then the neck and ear area and then the mouth. “French” kissing soon followed and only her “old-fashioned” upbringing kept her from “going all the way” in the car. But when they arrived at her apartment, the “goodbye” kissing aroused sufficient passion that she invited him in for a drink (or for him to use the restroom) and before long, they were in bed. The erotic attraction was strong and in a few days, they moved into the same apartment and  began what is variously referred to as “common law marriage,” POSSLQ (Persons of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters), “shacking.” or simply “living together.” 
  Before long, Ann discovered that she was pregnant, and thought Bill would be pleased, but he was furious when she told him and said he wasn’t ready for that burden of responsibility yet.

Dating and Premarital Petting                                               25
  Many different things happen in this situation between various couples, ranging from the hoped-for acceptance of the situation and marriage to the man leaving and covering his tracks or, in some worst-case scenarios, threats and physical violence, or bringing his men friends and insisting that his girlfriend sexually entertain them so he can then say she is promiscuous and that he cannot be sure the baby is his and therefore he will not be responsible for it. Still another all-too frequent option now legally available is the cold-blooded, premeditated murder of the unborn baby in what is nicely referred to as “abortion of the fetus” or simply “abortion”.
  Since it is in the informal relationships such as date petting that goes farther than planned and the un-preplanned one night stands that most unwanted pregnancies ending in abortion occur, this seems the appropriate place to talk about it. There are two distinctly different overviews of the situation, with the Bible believing Christian pounding his (or her) pulpit or mounting the soapbox to decry abortion as murder of the innocent, not yet born baby; and the modern liberal decrying the way the Christian is being “inhumane” to the poor innocent mother who has the right to defend her  body from the intrusion of this unwanted blob of tissue which may have gotten its start through rape or incest.
  So the lines are drawn at the picket line in front of the abortion clinic and in the letters to the editor and in the courtroom, where it is usually the militant “pro-life” people defending their position that they are “defending the unborn” which is why they were “trespassing” on the abortion clinic premises and got arrested. On the one side, well intentioned and usually totally non-criminal ministers and church goers who have now become “jailbirds” to try to defend the rights of the pre-born. On the other side, those who want to have free sex without cost or obligation and who cry the plight of the poor little  innocent teenage or even pre-teen from a poverty stricken family who was raped by a person of a distinctly different race or incestuously by a close relative and who has “a right” to defend her own body against having to give birth to this unwanted blob of tissue.
  As this book is being written, jails already overcrowded with real thieves, robbers, rapists, drug pushers and murderers have been packed even tighter by the addition of actual hundreds of anti-abortion activists who have organized, formed pickets around the abortion clinics and been arrested en-masse for trying to protect the unborn.  An already clogged legal system has a big influx of additional cases in which a majority of judges seem to

26                                         MARRIAGE: Delight or Disaster
view these mothers and grandmothers and ministers as the worst of all criminals and, in some scattered cases have given harsher sentences that the law or the Constitution actually allow.

  It is an emotional issue, and there is absolutely NO doubt as to where the Bible stands on the subject: “Thou shalt not kill.” (Exodus 20:13. Literally, “Thou shalt do no murder.” This passage as given in the King James Version of the Bible has been erroneously used by uninformed and misinformed to say we shouldn’t execute murderers nor go to war but the scriptures go on to command both the swift and sure execution of those guilty of certain crimes and the total annihilation of certain nations which were guilty of certain sins against God.) 

  But what should a woman or girl do if she is raped and gets pregnant? First, if she reports the rape and is treated at the hospital immediately, the hospital can and usually will give her an antiseptic douche which will not only prevent sexually transmitted diseases, but also pregnancy. If God so ordains that she still become pregnant (after all, most female humans can get pregnant only during one eight-hour period each month!), she should cast all her care upon the Lord Jesus Christ,* seek first the kingdom of God, and trust God to provide for her needs as He has firmly promised in His Word that He will do.

  For the pregnant teenage girl who has no real home and is still too emotionally and physically immature to be a real mother to her baby, there are homes and shelters where she can go and be cared for with love if she will but ask? at Bible-believing churches or the various Human Services  and Human Resources offices provided by various federal, state and local governments. Many childless couples would give hundreds or even thousands of dollars to be able to adopt the baby you are thinking about killing before he or she is born. History is filled with the lives of many truly great men and women who were unplanned and often unwanted by their mothers and fathers but who overcame the odds. Today, our society seems to say “kill ’em before they’re born”.  Please don’t.

  Just because the tiny rose-petal lips cannot yet be seen and the tiny fingers and toes are not yet reaching out to its mother from a crib does not mean that they do not exist. In fact, test-tube babies are living proof that the human egg and sperm, when united are a viable being which can be nurtured in other than the natural genetic mother. Medical science today is doing some remarkable things in this field and many previously infertile
* See 1 Peter 5:7; Matthew 6:33; Philippians 4:19 and Romans 8:28.
? See Additional Resources at end of book.

Dating and Premarital Petting                                               27
couples now have their dream baby because the egg and sperm were united in a laboratory and then implanted in a uterus which has not always been that of the natural mother.

  Bill decided to stick it out with Ann in an informal “shack-up” and to go ahead and have their baby, but as time progressed and Ann began to be unable to be the sex partner she had been, Bill began looking at greener pastures. When Ann got angry about his unfaithfulness, he reminded her that they weren’t married and she had no strings on him and no right to tell him he couldn’t do whatever he ____ well pleased!

  Before the baby arrived, it was over and Ann was a single parent living with hurt, guilt, bad feelings between her and her parents and a tinge of anger at her baby who had broken up her relationship with Bill.

  There are so many ways this story could have gone and all are frequent outcomes of too much physical contact on first or early dates.

  Things to watch for and be alert to on those early dates before you have gotten to know the character and other important things  you should be considering about the person you are dating  before entering into a serious courtship are: 

• Physical contact;  I can guarantee that no matter how strong your resolve, if you start your relationship with that boy or girl with a lot of hand holding, hugging and kissing, it will soon progress into further and more intimate contact because the human body and the pleasure nerve sensors are geared that way. While no two people respond exactly the same way, certain areas seem more stimulating than others. A kiss on the cheek may arouse no feeling of sexual arousal in most cases, but let those kisses get on around to the ear lobe with the right amount of breath and there will be arousal in a vast majority of cases, and sometimes that alone can be strong enough to get even a real “prude” into bed!

• Clothing:  It is not so much what you wear but how and why you wear it. Modesty by definition is dressing in the way that sets you apart least, keeps you from being noticed in a crowd as being “different”. Modesty is not the wearing of Victorian age clothing, short hair on men and long on women and the various other personal preferences so many ministers and church organizations teach. The scriptures dealing with clothing, particularly on women is written in the context of giving advice to women seeking to win their husbands to Jesus Christ, and advising them that the way to


 28                                        MARRIAGE: Delight or Disaster
do it is NOT by the wearing of gold or silver or costly array§ but by their Godly conduct and conversation.

  Young lady, you can wear a maxi-skirt with the intent to seduce that guy and you will probably end up in bed with him before you go home, or you can wear your bikini to the beach with no thought of sexual desire and return home from your date with your virginity still intact. But there can be no question that usually the less body you expose, the less likely you are to have compromisingly physical contact. However, most guys I know find certain types of high lacy collars, especially if accented by a pink or black neck ribbon, perhaps with a black and white cameo buckle on the throat, to be more sexually stimulating than a bikini! Certain leg and ankle decorations and anklets, even though the skirt comes well below the knee are also quite stimulating, as are certain types of open shoes with lacing onto the ankle or with a heavy strap down the top and laced leather sides in the ancient Roman gladiator look. If you really don’t know what is currently the thing the guys are going wild over, just ask some of the other girls or women you know. Frankly, there are really very few girls who have truly beautiful “sexy” legs  and bodies and a great many are less enticing in their bikini than in certain of their dressy dresses! And as girls grow into full maturity, fewer and fewer have truly beautiful bodies and need the element of secrecy and pretty clothes to make themselves intriguing. To avoid heartbreak and disaster, dress appropriately, and if you are a Christian, dress to please and glorify your God and Creator.

  •  Where you go and what you do:  Certain places are quite safe enough to go, such as nice restaurants, family theme parks, zoos, baseball, football golf, tennis and other sports activities, cultural events, and especially churches. If you are a Christian, always remember that your purpose in life is to please and glorify God above all else. A good rule to follow is to not go anywhere Jesus would not feel comfortable to go with you. Public beaches and swimming pools are usually safe, but should not be the first place you go on a date because of the possibility of unintended physical contact in compromising areas of the body. 

   Other places are notorious for being the starting point for a “hot” date. These include bars, drive-in movies, particularly those showing R and X rated movies, adult  movie houses and “bookstores”, lovers' lanes, and the apartment of the person you date or his or her out-of-town friend, as well as certain types of mud and motorcycle races.
§    See 1 Timothy 2:9; 1 Peter 3:1-5.

Dating and Premarital Petting                                               29
  •  Your Virginity:  You'll never have it but once! If you have somehow managed to reach marriageable age and still have it, by all means keep it until the vows are said and the ring is on your finger! Some men, unfortunately, feel it is a mark of manliness to get a young woman’s virtue and then leave her. Petting is a good way to loose it. As said elsewhere in this chapter, different people, both male and female, have different sensitive areas which, if stimulated, will almost certainly result in further action resulting in the loss of your virginity. If the area your date is touching, caressing or kissing is causing you to feel erotic stimulus in your genital area, you are on dangerous ground and should excuse yourself and break the contact IMMEDIATELY, or it may quickly get out of control. But virginity is not the girl's exclusive domain. There really are young men out there who have gotten past their teens and have never been in sexual contact with a girl, although there is not the same evidence to prove it. What I have said under this heading applies to them as well as to the fairer sex! Once you have lost your virginity, your innocence is gone forever and can never be recaptured.

Good rules for dating are: 
1)  No matter how well you think you know the person before you go out on your first date, make sure you go to a reasonably safe place where there are other people around who can come to your aid if things get out of hand and you need help. Better yet, double date with a trusted friend and his or her date.

2)  Be sure that you do not tease or tantalize the person you are dating with the intention of only going so far and no farther; first, because it isn't fair to the other person, and second, the other person may become sufficiently aroused that to stop when you want to may be difficult if not impossible, a la  rape!

3) Allow no more than a brief holding of the hand during the first few dates and maybe  a quick kiss on the cheek or back of the hand at the door as you part, but only if there is already the beginning of trust.

4)  Do communicate and share all the enjoyment you can without compromising your virtue. Learn to know the other person, but by all means keep it enjoyable. Just because you have standards you won’t compromise doesn’t mean you have to be “an old stick in the mud!”

  Happy dating and courtship!
 

Page 30 is a blank page.
 

© 1989 Up Way Publications
P. O. Box 1015
Kailua, HI 96734 U. S. A.

Copying, storage or retrieval by any means without the express permission of Samuel M. Smith or Up Way Publications is expressly forbidden, excepting for brief quotations in critical reviews.


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