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Revised Second Edition
By Samuel M. Smith
© 1989 Up Way
P. O. Box 1015
Kailua, HI 96734 U. S.
retrieval by any means without the express permission of Samuel M.
or Up Way Publications is expressly forbidden, excepting for brief
in critical reviews. This internet version is as exact replication of
original as is possible in internet format.
REVISED SECOND EDITION
First Edition . .
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Second Printing . .
. . 1981
. . . Copyright © 1989
reserved. No part
of this book may be reproduced by any means without approval of the
Up Way Publications, excepting for brief quotations giving full credit
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DATING AND PREMARITAL PETTING
ROMANCE usually starts when a young man or woman sees and
someone of the opposite sex and asks that person out for a date. If
go well, the two begin seeing each other more and more often until they
decide to make the lifetime commitment we call marriage. But along the
way, there are many pitfalls which can cause deep heartache, severe
and possibly catastrophe. It is to help you to avoid these pitfalls
this chapter is included.
One of the most dangerous pitfalls is generally referred to
as “petting”. It starts off with the hand that was holding the other
moving up the arm to a sexually stimulating area, or a hand innocently
on a knee moving upward, or a kiss on the cheek moving to a stimulating
spot on the neck or ear or becoming a “French” kiss. Most often, the
who makes the moves is experienced and following a plan of conquest
the other is inexperienced, although the same thing can easily and
happen when neither one knows what is happening. But when premarital
becomes premarital sex, there are several very dangerous things that
happen to the relationship.
First, a time of getting to know the character, the likes and
dislikes, the living habit patterns, food preferences and strong
religious and moral standing, racial and ethnic background, health and
other important considerations you should think about before entering
a serious courtship gets sidetracked as the dates are spent in sexual
instead. Sex should never be mistaken for love, because sex is not love
but the ultimate and highest expression of love, and can be the finest
pleasure any couple can enjoy. But it can also be a mere physical
and an act of conquest and become cheap and dirty thereby. Any male and
female can have sex without caring in the least for each other. If you
are a Christian but have somehow gotten into premarital sex and you
really like to find out whether the other partner really loves you or
wants your body, try explaining that you realize what your are doing is
sin and you want to stop until you have the legal and moral right and
will quickly see that either the other one will agree and your caring
each for the other will grow, or the creep will drop you like the
Second, beginning with guilt feelings, the relationship may
MARRIAGE: Delight or Disaster
into arguments over the frequency of sexual activity, and
eventually over whether to live together without or before marriage.
Third, is the danger of unplanned pregnancy and sexually
disease which will nearly always end in at least heartbreak if not real
disaster and tragedy.
Television programs and movies depict the young (and sometimes
not-so-young) couple meeting, being attracted to each other, going for
lunch or dinner or to some place or event together and before they part
for the night, they have somehow ended up together between sheets (or
the back seat of a car or other equally inappropriate spot).
toothpaste and even bread and milk are sold in the media by how they
affect or effect your sex appeal. With this barrage of sex-oriented
stimuli, it is difficult for couples of any age to see the dangers and
heartaches that often accompany such un-wedded liasons.
Within the bounds of marital devotion and love, the act of sex
is the most beautiful and personal of many relationships that occur and
interact between the two marriage partners. It signifies trust, a
of one’s own body for the enjoyment of the loved one and a receiving of
that same loving enjoyment from that loved one. Within the
marriage, the risk of venereal diseases like gonorrhea, syphilis,
herpes and the now nearly epidemic AIDS (Acquired Immune
Syndrome) is almost non-existent.
Bill met Ann in a “country and western” type bar and each found
the other attractive. Like so many couples in the present generation,
left the bar together and went to a scenic but secluded spot where they
began holding each other's hands, followed by kissing, first on the
then the cheek, then the neck and ear area and then the mouth. “French”
kissing soon followed and only her “old-fashioned” upbringing kept her
from “going all the way” in the car. But when they arrived at her
the “goodbye” kissing aroused sufficient passion that she invited him
for a drink (or for him to use the restroom) and before long, they were
in bed. The erotic attraction was strong and in a few days, they moved
into the same apartment and began what is variously referred to
“common law marriage,” POSSLQ (Persons of Opposite Sex Sharing Living
“shacking.” or simply “living together.”
Before long, Ann discovered that she was pregnant, and thought
Bill would be pleased, but he was furious when she told him and said he
wasn’t ready for that burden of responsibility yet.
|Dating and Premarital
different things happen in this situation between various
couples, ranging from the hoped-for acceptance of the situation and
to the man leaving and covering his tracks or, in some worst-case
threats and physical violence, or bringing his men friends and
that his girlfriend sexually entertain them so he can then say she is
and that he cannot be sure the baby is his and therefore he will not be
responsible for it. Still another all-too frequent option now legally
is the cold-blooded, premeditated murder of the unborn baby in what is
nicely referred to as “abortion of the fetus” or simply “abortion”.
Since it is in the informal relationships such as date petting
that goes farther than planned and the un-preplanned one night stands
most unwanted pregnancies ending in abortion occur, this seems the
place to talk about it. There are two distinctly different overviews of
the situation, with the Bible believing Christian pounding his (or her)
pulpit or mounting the soapbox to decry abortion as murder of the
not yet born baby; and the modern liberal decrying the way the
is being “inhumane” to the poor innocent mother who has the right to
her body from the intrusion of this unwanted blob of tissue which
may have gotten its start through rape or incest.
So the lines are drawn at the picket line in front of the
clinic and in the letters to the editor and in the courtroom, where it
is usually the militant “pro-life” people defending their position that
they are “defending the unborn” which is why they were “trespassing” on
the abortion clinic premises and got arrested. On the one side, well
and usually totally non-criminal ministers and church goers who have
become “jailbirds” to try to defend the rights of the pre-born. On the
other side, those who want to have free sex without cost or obligation
and who cry the plight of the poor little innocent teenage or
from a poverty stricken family who was raped by a person of a
different race or incestuously by a close relative and who has “a
to defend her own body against having to give birth to this unwanted
As this book is being written, jails already overcrowded with
real thieves, robbers, rapists, drug pushers and murderers have been
even tighter by the addition of actual hundreds of anti-abortion
who have organized, formed pickets around the abortion clinics and been
arrested en-masse for trying to protect the unborn. An already
legal system has a big influx of additional cases in which a majority
judges seem to
MARRIAGE: Delight or Disaster
mothers and grandmothers and ministers as the worst of all
criminals and, in some scattered cases have given harsher sentences
the law or the Constitution actually allow.
It is an emotional issue, and there is absolutely NO doubt as
to where the Bible stands on the subject: “Thou shalt not kill.”
20:13. Literally, “Thou shalt do no murder.” This passage as given in
King James Version of the Bible has been erroneously used by uninformed
and misinformed to say we shouldn’t execute murderers nor go to war but
the scriptures go on to command both the swift and sure execution of
guilty of certain crimes and the total annihilation of certain nations
which were guilty of certain sins against God.)
But what should a woman or girl do if she is raped and gets
pregnant? First, if she reports the rape and is treated at the hospital
immediately, the hospital can and usually will give her an antiseptic
which will not only prevent sexually transmitted diseases, but also
If God so ordains that she still become pregnant (after all, most
humans can get pregnant only during one eight-hour period each month!),
she should cast all her care upon the Lord Jesus Christ,* seek first
kingdom of God, and trust God to provide for her needs as He has firmly
promised in His Word that He will do.
For the pregnant teenage girl who has no real home and is still
too emotionally and physically immature to be a real mother to her
there are homes and shelters where she can go and be cared for with
if she will but ask? at Bible-believing churches or the various Human
and Human Resources offices provided by various federal, state and
governments. Many childless couples would give hundreds or even
of dollars to be able to adopt the baby you are thinking about killing
before he or she is born. History is filled with the lives of many
great men and women who were unplanned and often unwanted by their
and fathers but who overcame the odds. Today, our society seems to say
“kill ’em before they’re born”. Please don’t.
Just because the tiny rose-petal lips cannot yet be seen and
the tiny fingers and toes are not yet reaching out to its mother from a
crib does not mean that they do not exist. In fact, test-tube babies
living proof that the human egg and sperm, when united are a viable
which can be nurtured in other than the natural genetic mother. Medical
science today is doing some remarkable things in this field and many
|* See 1 Peter 5:7; Matthew
6:33; Philippians 4:19 and
? See Additional Resources at end of book.
|Dating and Premarital
|couples now have their
dream baby because the egg and sperm were united
in a laboratory and then implanted in a uterus which has not always
that of the natural mother.
Bill decided to stick it out with Ann in an
and to go ahead and have their baby, but as time progressed and Ann
to be unable to be the sex partner she had been, Bill began looking at
greener pastures. When Ann got angry about his unfaithfulness, he
her that they weren’t married and she had no strings on him and no
to tell him he couldn’t do whatever he ____ well pleased!
Before the baby arrived, it was over and Ann was
a single parent
living with hurt, guilt, bad feelings between her and her parents and a
tinge of anger at her baby who had broken up her relationship with
There are so many ways this story could have gone
and all are
frequent outcomes of too much physical contact on first or early dates.
Things to watch for and be alert to on those
early dates before
you have gotten to know the character and other important things
you should be considering about the person you are dating before
entering into a serious courtship are:
• Physical contact; I can guarantee that no matter
your resolve, if you start your relationship with that boy or girl with
a lot of hand holding, hugging and kissing, it will soon progress into
further and more intimate contact because the human body and the
nerve sensors are geared that way. While no two people respond exactly
the same way, certain areas seem more stimulating than others. A kiss
the cheek may arouse no feeling of sexual arousal in most cases, but
those kisses get on around to the ear lobe with the right amount of
and there will be arousal in a vast majority of cases, and sometimes
alone can be strong enough to get even a real “prude” into bed!
• Clothing: It is not so much what you wear but
how and why you
wear it. Modesty by definition is dressing in the way that sets you
least, keeps you from being noticed in a crowd as being “different”.
is not the wearing of Victorian age clothing, short hair on men and
on women and the various other personal preferences so many ministers
church organizations teach. The scriptures dealing with clothing,
on women is written in the context of giving advice to women seeking to
win their husbands to Jesus Christ, and advising them that the way to
MARRIAGE: Delight or Disaster
|do it is NOT by the wearing of gold or
silver or costly array§
but by their Godly conduct and conversation.
Young lady, you can wear a maxi-skirt with the intent to seduce
that guy and you will probably end up in bed with him before you go
or you can wear your bikini to the beach with no thought of sexual
and return home from your date with your virginity still intact. But
can be no question that usually the less body you expose, the less
you are to have compromisingly physical contact. However, most guys I
find certain types of high lacy collars, especially if accented by a
or black neck ribbon, perhaps with a black and white cameo buckle on
throat, to be more sexually stimulating than a bikini! Certain leg and
ankle decorations and anklets, even though the skirt comes well below
knee are also quite stimulating, as are certain types of open shoes
lacing onto the ankle or with a heavy strap down the top and laced
sides in the ancient Roman gladiator look. If you really don’t know
is currently the thing the guys are going wild over, just ask some of
other girls or women you know. Frankly, there are really very few girls
who have truly beautiful “sexy” legs and bodies and a great many
are less enticing in their bikini than in certain of their dressy
And as girls grow into full maturity, fewer and fewer have truly
bodies and need the element of secrecy and pretty clothes to make
intriguing. To avoid heartbreak and disaster, dress appropriately, and
if you are a Christian, dress to please and glorify your God and
• Where you go and what you do: Certain
places are quite safe
enough to go, such as nice restaurants, family theme parks, zoos,
football golf, tennis and other sports activities, cultural events, and
especially churches. If you are a Christian, always remember that your
purpose in life is to please and glorify God above all else. A good
to follow is to not go anywhere Jesus would not feel comfortable to go
with you. Public beaches and swimming pools are usually safe, but
not be the first place you go on a date because of the possibility of
physical contact in compromising areas of the body.
Other places are notorious for being the starting point
“hot” date. These include bars, drive-in movies, particularly those
R and X rated movies, adult movie houses and “bookstores”,
lanes, and the apartment of the person you date or his or her
friend, as well as certain types of mud and motorcycle races.
|§ See 1 Timothy
2:9; 1 Peter 3:1-5.
|Dating and Premarital
| • Your Virginity:
You'll never have it but once! If you
have somehow managed to reach marriageable age and still have it, by
means keep it until the vows are said and the ring is on your finger!
men, unfortunately, feel it is a mark of manliness to get a young
virtue and then leave her. Petting is a good way to loose it. As said
in this chapter, different people, both male and female, have different
sensitive areas which, if stimulated, will almost certainly result in
action resulting in the loss of your virginity. If the area your date
touching, caressing or kissing is causing you to feel erotic stimulus
your genital area, you are on dangerous ground and should excuse
and break the contact IMMEDIATELY, or it may quickly get out of
But virginity is not the girl's exclusive domain. There really are
men out there who have gotten past their teens and have never been in
contact with a girl, although there is not the same evidence to prove
What I have said under this heading applies to them as well as to the
sex! Once you have lost your virginity, your innocence is gone forever
and can never be recaptured.
Good rules for dating are:
1) No matter how well you think you know the person before
you go out on your first date, make sure you go to a reasonably safe
where there are other people around who can come to your aid if things
get out of hand and you need help. Better yet, double date with a
friend and his or her date.
2) Be sure that you do not tease or tantalize the
person you are
dating with the intention of only going so far and no farther; first,
it isn't fair to the other person, and second, the other person may
sufficiently aroused that to stop when you want to may be difficult if
not impossible, a la rape!
3) Allow no more than a brief holding of the hand during
the first few
dates and maybe a quick kiss on the cheek or back of the hand at
the door as you part, but only if there is already the beginning of
4) Do communicate and share all the enjoyment you
compromising your virtue. Learn to know the other person, but by all
keep it enjoyable. Just because you have standards you won’t compromise
doesn’t mean you have to be “an old stick in the mud!”
Happy dating and courtship!
Page 30 is a blank page.
© 1989 Up Way Publications
P. O. Box 1015
Kailua, HI 96734 U. S. A.
Copying, storage or retrieval by any means without the
of Samuel M. Smith or Up Way Publications is expressly forbidden,
for brief quotations in critical reviews.
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